Oh Misery

I AM TIRED/

And when I AM TIRED I am a WRECK.

I am emotional and insane and moody and crying and all of these things give me insomnia and then I AM STILL TIRED.

I am also hormonal. (And 29 weeks pregnant as of today).

The kids missed the bus this morning because I couldnt pull myself off the bed to put them on the bus because when Paul's alarm rang at 4:30 for him to get up I couldnt get back to sleep... Last I looked it was 6 and my alarm was ringing in a half an hour. I dont even remember it going off. I remember thinking, "Aw crap" and looking at my phone and seeing it was 6:45... bus time.

Wanna call me the wah-mbulance yet? I can go onnnnnnn and onnnnn.

In my head:

I feel like Paul was mad at me leaving the house yesterday morning (to work at his parents) because of the laundry and because he couldnt find clothes... when he left without kissing me goodbye it was instant rejection and blahhh so that shaped allll of yesterday...  I did all of the laundry and went through everyone's clothes, I cleaned the kitchen and livingroom (to the best of my ability) and scrubbed the tub (again to the best of my ability... bending HURTS!). He texted me nice all day so that made me feel a LITTLE better but when he got home he was a little down because he ended up there later than he hoped and he felt he missed out on his weekend because he was working for his dad. I understand but again IN MY HEAD more rejection. By the end of it I went to bed at 9 because I was feeling out of control and couldnt handle being in the livingroom with him and the (felt) rejection anymore. He came to bed and again I couldnt handle it so I went to the tub until he was good and asleep and I could go back to bed and self pity alone again.

lol I am a big ball of needy self pity and blah.

All of this after balling all night (thursday??) because I am so sick of WANTING to get things done and knowing that if I overdo it I regret it.

I feel like a failure and a disappointment and I am working on this but I CANT IF I DONT SLEEP.

I cant wait to move. there will be so much less stress and less creak in the wall keeping me up and I will have a purpose again, getting the house ready and preparing for baby.

I have a drs appt on Thursday and I think Ive decided to talk to Dr Sandlin about transferring to Truro. I dont want to have the extra stress of Paul working an hour and a half away and him trying to care for the dogs and hour and a half away etc etc.

After the hell that was having Rory I NEED this to be calm and right. Doing it with the right person is going to be a huge thing. I am so excited to be having a baby with my absolute best friend... It's just getting through this next month or so that will be the kicker!